I'm not sure, but I feel myself beginning to possibly(?) move out of my dreaded "double depression*".
Yay me.
*A person with dysthymia may at some point also experience a major depressive episode. When the major depressive episode ends, they return to their previous state of chronic, low-level depression. When an episode of major depression is superimposed on dysthymia it is referred to as double depression.
A person with dysthymia may be able to function in their day-to-day life, but never feels quite right. They may report feeling like they've been depressed all their lives or say they feel like they are just barely managing to keep their head above water.
(taken from http://depression.about.com/od/dysthymia/a/dysthymic.htm)
I'm not sure why, but I can't resist taking just a little time to talk about what dysthymia or depression feels like.
It feels like drowning. It feels like no matter what I want to do, I can't do it or it wont make a bit of (good) difference in my life. It feels like struggling against the entire world, thrashing violently just to get through simple things, like the work day or washing dishes. It feels like I care, but I care too much to the point where I need to not care anymore and just quit thinking.
It feels like I can't turn off the racing thoughts in my head that point out my every single flaw. It feels oppressive and grating, like a nagging, nosy neighbor.
It feels like I am no longer connected to my body and that I am watching myself in a backwards mirror. That I can see every bad choice but only watch the subsequent fall-out. It feels like living most of your life in a trance, with a very disjointed, separate mind and body.
It feels like I am a prisoner in an ugly, miserable shell. In a body that holds me back. In a body I do not understand. It feels like living an enslaved life.
It feels as if I am continually on the verge of understanding, or a significant breakthrough, yet never able to truly comprehend the necessary points.
It feels very lonely. That I am alone and none are (very) like me. That I do not need them anyway but I'd like to be known. By just someone. That i'd like someone to give me the opportunity to show I am a person capable of love. That I'm somehow (just a little bit) intriguing and maybe, someday someone will see that in me(?)
It feels like nothing I ever do or have done is good enough. That I am not worth any given thing I want to do or want for myself--whether it's getting a haircut/going to a spa, talking to a friend, or asking for help. It feels like this is how I have always been and will always be.
It definintely feels like drowning... and I just wish I could get some air to breathe (and push water out of my lungs)....
